How Can I Help?

My clients are in transition. Their families are disrupted, their finances may be in disarray, their children may be anxious. Usually, they are grieving the loss of a marriage and they are fearful about the future. They are on the way to someplace new, but often they cannot envision what "someplace new" looks like or how to get there.

So where do I come in? How can I help?

Common conceptions of attorneys are that they "defend" or even "fight for" their clients. But I don't see that as my role. Sometimes clients want attorneys to tell them what to do. That's not my role either. I will, of course, try to help you understand legal rights and obligations. More significantly, what I will do is this: guide you, one step at a time, to help you create and realize your vision of your future. What I hope is that by working with me, you gain a more hopeful outlook on what lies ahead for you. And I hope that things go so smoothly that you never need to call me again.

Divorced Moms, Happy Mother's Day!

Mothering is complicated in the best of circumstances, full of loss and worry as well as joy and hope. Mothering as a divorced mom has its additional challenges. This Mother's Day wish is particularly for those moms who . . . 

listen, let go, and have faith in a vision of shared parenting;

long for the nightly bed-time rituals that happen, now, less often;

deal with the loneliness of an empty nest, not at eighteen, but at four, or six, or eight;

perfect the art of cheerfully saying, "that's terrific; I love hearing about it and I love that you had a great time" even while silently grieving;  

learn to fill their time with other important things;

and it is to those moms . . .

whose teenager, needing at last to bond with his dad as never before and lacking any graceful way to ask for the opportunity, rages and rages and rages (this being the price of having raised a son secure enough in his mother's love that he knows that though he pushes her away with all his might, she'll never go away).

For you, I wish that at least part of Mother's Day (because you may have only part, if this is your ex-spouse's weekend), feels uncomplicated. I wish that for several hours, you experience nothing but the pure joy of your children, and of being the terrific mom that you are.

Just Back from L.A.

How privileged I was to be Forrest (Woody) Mosten's intern at his January, 2014, family mediation training in his L.A. home. I was able not only to participate along with the other students, but also to discuss with Woody his pedagogy and observations of the class. What an outstanding learning experience!

Woody is a master trainer, an ability honed in his many years of helping to define the family mediation field as we know it today. There seems to be nothing he hasn't confronted, no complexity he hasn't helped to untangle. His skill is humbling, and his commitment to peacemaking is inspiring. Having already transitioned my own practice to mediation, Collaborative Law and unbundled services in recent years, I now embark on the post-Woody phase of my professional life, in which I expect the clarity of my vision will be sharper, my skills will be better refined, my curiosity will be more acute, and my clients will be better served.

Thank you, Woody, for the superb example you set for us all. And thank you, Jody, for your warm hospitality throughout the week in which the lucky eighteen of us took over your house.

Left Your Job to Raise Kids?

For the many moms I see whose marriages are ending when they are in their '40s or '50s and they have been out of the workforce for many years, I wonder whether this advice might have been useful:

Do stay-at-home moms need a 'postnup'?:

http://www.today.com/moms/why-moms-should-get-postnup-quitting-their-jobs-stay-home-2D11763106

If you are one of those stay-at-home parents now trying to figure out how to secure your post-marriage financial future, this advice to negotiate before giving up your career comes too late. But you needn't face your fears and your future alone, and you needn't resent your wage-earner former spouse because he is now economically advantaged.  This is a time for cooperation and planning -- working together to ascertain and meet your needs, your spouse's needs, and your children's needs.  You're likely going to need to get back into the work force, and your path might be totally new to you.  A good vocational counselor can guide you.  A good Collaborative Law professional team, with everyone working together, can support both you and your spouse so that fear and conflict don't undermine the ability of the two of you to make the most of your assets, financial and otherwise.

Divorce Corp: The Dark Side of Litigated Divorce

The documentary Divorce Corp, scheduled to be released in January, will undoubtedly generate conversation about the horrors of divorce litigation.  Take a look at the trailer and other clips available on YouTube.   Then talk to your friends and loved ones about Collaborative Law and mediation, viable alternatives that enable couples to stay out of court, save money, and avoid the indignities, the injustice, and the harm to the children of adversarial divorce.  

Start here:

Divorce Corp: The Trailer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZTOT6DKfZ8&list=UU0al1KwG3cHQpmtUpQSevUg

Conflict As Opportunity

This week I received from a friend a blog post by Tom Erich, a writer, consultant and Episcopal priest (see www.morningwalkmedia.com). His specific topic is conflict within church communities, but it seems to me that his insights are applicable to conflicts of all types. Of course, I thought of my divorce clients, all of whom are working their way through marital conflict. My clients have chosen mediation or Collaborative Law as means of negotiating their divorce agreements, and so they have rejected adversarial approaches to divorce in favor of working together as much as possible to reach mutually satisfactory solutions. But still, there are conflicts that need addressing -- the shadows of those that doomed their marriages, and those that arise in the process of divorce negotiations. Those conflicts can be discouraging, and often my clients express the desire to forget or avoid them if possible. Sometimes, conversely, those conflicts ignite passion or self-protectiveness, and clients may form rigid adversarial positions. But as Erich suggests, conflict may also inspire creativity, and may offer an opportunity for achievement. His perspective might help us all develop a more honest and productive relationship to conflict:

There is nothing inherently unhealthy in conflict. Like failure, conflict is a sign of life and can lead to further vitality and accomplishment. . . . In a healthy system, conflict provides a lively place to deal with change, failures, errors, and personal shortcomings. An unhealthy system, by contrast, stores up negatives and weapons. In an unhealthy system, there is no search for perspective, no deep thinking, no forgiveness. Just scorecards: Did I get my needs met? Did I make you pay for wounding me? Did I win or lose?

As I work with clients, I will keep in mind Erich's distinction between healthy and unhealthy systems, and will try to create an environment for our collaborative team meetings or mediation sessions in which all feel safe enough to experience conflict honestly, openly, and productively; without either avoidance or scorecards; and with respect, caring, and forgiveness.

Why Not Litigate?

If you are divorcing, undoubtedly you have had frustrations during your marriage.  You might see divorce as a way to break free from those difficulties.  And if there has been a power struggle between you and your spouse, you might be hoping that you finally can "win" the battle.  You might be hoping that this time, you will be able to hold the line, keep from folding, finally be heard, finally be vindicated. 

But is trying to "win" worth it in the end?  Too frequently in litigation, everyone loses, especially the children, who internalize the strife between their parents. And the battle will likely bring out the worst in both you and your spouse, recreating those very dynamics that you are trying to get away from.

And when it's over, what then?  What will happen when you and your ex-spouse need to get back on the same team to deal with something in the lives of your children?  Will you be able to do it?  Can you be effective co-parents -- providing the love, nurturance, stability and consistency your kids need – if you're at each other's throats?

So, what to do?  

There is a school of thought that ascribes to mediation and to Collaborative Law the potential to guide former spouses to a place better than the one they inhabited during marriage.  The hope is that a dispute resolution process facilitated by one or more skillful, empathic professionals has transformative power.  Maybe it does.  I hope so.  I hope that a well-done divorce (a compassionate, dignified one as opposed to a contentious, disrespectful one) can help a couple disentangle in such a way that two healthy individuals emerge with much of their respect and affection for each other intact, so that, if they have children, they are able to create a new parenting partnership that enables their kids to thrive.

Even if this hopeful view is too rosy, there is still reason to commit to mediation or Collaborative Law.   If the two of you cannot do it alone (and if you could, would you be divorcing?), then would you rather do it with the professional support that helps you stay positive and productive, or would you prefer to dig in and fight it out?  Neither approach is easy.  A divorce is difficult, any way you do it.  When you are beginning the process, take the opportunity to choose your process wisely.